I just want to point out that while, yes, you’re showing examples of how someone could edit their writing, you’re doing it at the expense of another writer. You called out a writer explicitly (linking his name and everything) and then point out what he’d done wrong. That’s shitty on every account. I imagine you got permission, but you could have used the example without naming the source, which would have come across as much kinder and less condescending than what you did. Even better, you could have used an example from your own work. Writers need each other on this platform, and being kind to one another, especially about their writing, is most important.