The Extraordinary Pain of an Ordinary Miscarriage

I carried two hearts inside of me, but only one was beating.

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Image for post
From Konstantinos Koukopoulos on Flickr

Babies will take whatever they need from you, give you early osteoporosis if you don’t consume enough calcium; they’ll suck it straight from your bones, so they can live.

But just as quickly I thought, I don’t think this one will keep, but I shook the thought away.

I lied to myself so much and so often I believed it.

I turned to my husband as he continued to look at the screen as I continued to not look at the screen.

And she left and she and I never spoke again about her neverborn grandchild.

I slipped into the hot hot bath, and I cupped the hollowness, the winged thing inside of me that would never move or breathe or know life outside the lightless cave of my own body, and I sobbed until the water was cold.

I couldn’t stand the waiting because I couldn’t stand being a carrier of the dead, to have two hearts inside of me and only one be beating.

My baby is dead, I told myself, and I believed. I will be okay, I told myself, and I didn’t believe.

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Relationship Coach & Writer. Check out my books, courses, & other work at tarablairball.substack.com. E-mail: tarablairball@gmail.com IG: @tarablairball

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